Jokes
A sailor and a pirate meet in a bar. The sailor has a peg leg, the pirate has a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye. The pirate says to the sailor, “how did you lose your leg”, the sailor replied, “I was boarding my ship and I fell in the water. When my men pulled me into the boat, a shark bit my leg from the knee down. The sailor says the pirate, “how did you lose your hand”? The pirate said, “we met the enemy in a battle, I was attacked with a sword and they chopped my hand off”. The sailor said to the pirate , “ How did you lose your eye”? The pirate said, “a seagull shit in my eye”. The sailor said, “you mean to tell me that you lost your eye to bird poop”? The pirate said, ”it was the first day with me hook”.
“LOFT”
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft" The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro,"What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft". As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro,"The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same
exact answer each time. What is loft?" Lack of fucking talent!
“DOG”
Why does a dog lick himself? Because he can’t cup his paws.
“90 YEAR OLD”
A 90 year old man went to his doctor and said, “I’d like to see if I’ve got what it takes to start a new family”. The doctor looked at the old man and asked’ “you’re 90 years old, why would you want to start a new family”? “ My kids are grown and I have a new wife, so I’m ready to go at it again.” The doctor said, “OK, just fill this collection bottle with sperm, and we’ll see what you’ve got”
He came back a day later to see the doctor. He took the collection bottle, looked at and said, “It’s empty”.
The old man said, “ I tried it with my right hand, that didn’t work. I tried it with my left hand , that didn’t work. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, it still didn’t work. She tried it with her left hand, and that didn’t work.” We just couldn’t get that damn to of the bottle.
“Something to offend damn near everybody...”
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem?
Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh shit.
WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone
else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Never lie to your mom...
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother:
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love, Mom
Changing a Light Bulb
(1) How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to sue the original light bulb manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the light bulb, compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedence requiring light bulb manufacturers to state clearly that light bulbs may require replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible for lost wages or any other consequential damages as allowed by law.
(2) How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb, and twenty to drink until the room spins.
(3) How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Change? What do you mean change?
(4) How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But the light bulb has to really want to be changed.
(5) How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?
(6) How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
(7) How many Princeton Students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. 2 to mix the martinis, and the other two to call an electrician.
(8) How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
Will this question come up on a test?
(9) Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
Because they keep breaking them with the hammer
THE PUB
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Nice expressions to describe dumb people:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
BLOND
When the blond was asked what the capital of Wisconsin was, she responded, “oh that’s easy, it’s W”.
WHEN SANTA RUNS OUT OF PROZAC
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa!
Dear Santa,
I've written you for 3 years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more! Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may w! ork with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
McDonald’s Woman
A woman decided to have a facelift for her birthday. She spent $5,000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she asked the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35, " was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said feeling really happy. After that she went to the McDonalds for lunch and asked the order – taker the same question. He replied. "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said with great glee! While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I'm 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But, when I was a a young man there was a sure fire way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said,"What the hell?", and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, you are 47." Stunned, the said, "That was brilliant!!, how did you do that?" The old man said,"I was behind you in line at the McDonalds."
Porno Salesman
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and
tells him that he has to leave for a while, "can you handle it?". The new employee is somewhat
reluctant, but with the boss's positive comment he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and in comes a white woman. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35."
She asks how much for the black dildo. He tells her "$35 for the black one and $35 for the white one."
The woman says, "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him
and goes off. A bit later, a black woman walks in and asks, "how much for the black dildo?"
He: $35
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one and $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm....I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildo's?"
He: $35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmm.....how much is the plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that is a very special dildo.. it will cost you $165." She
thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one
before......" She pays him and goes off.
Finally, the guys boss returns and asks, "How did you do when I was gone?"
The salesman responds, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one
black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Subject: Bill and Hillary
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer
contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever
I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Women/Men are Like Wine
Woman's Wine Quote: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
Public Statement by the Reverend Jesse Jackson:
Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She
provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite of her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization.
Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.
Sincerely,
The Reverend Jesse Jackson
YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN....
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either... just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins ...with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper.... That's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you have gas.
7. Always remember that you are unique.... Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Blondes
Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another
blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a
pool?
A: Air Pockets
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided
that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the
Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A1: There's white-out on the screen.
A2: The joystick is wet.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A1: There's writing on the white-out.
A2: There's lipstick on the joystick.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
A blonde saw a "¿" on her computer screen and asked another blonde, "How do you do that?" She responded . . "Simple, turn the keyboard upside down!"
One Liners
1. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school and college was my blood alcohol content.
3. Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
4. I live in my own little world, but it's OK...They know me here.
5. I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
6. I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner."
7. I see your IQ test results were negative.
8. Regular naps prevent old age...especially if you take them while driving.
9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
10. If God intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
13. I have learned there is little difference in wives, so you might as well keep the first.
14. There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and shithead's.
15. If life deals you lemons, make lemonades; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
16. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
17. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
18. Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
19. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
20. "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
21. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted mcondom?
22. "No one ever says "It's only a game, " when their team is winning."
23. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECK OUT TIME IS 18."
24. Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
25. "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
26. "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
27. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
28. On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery; there I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
29. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
30. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
31. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
32. Why is it that nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
33. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...now I've got hair like Don King.
34. I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove to the airport.
35. My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.
Tennis Elbow
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer, at the drugstore, that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back
to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Blondes
She Was Sooooo Blonde:
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooo Blonde:
she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
she thought General Motors was in the army.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Sooo Blonde:
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she spent 20 minutes staring at an orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here,"she put"Libra."
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Sooooo Blonde:
she studied for a blood test.
she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train.
she sold the car for gas money!
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus, twice, instead.
when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooo Blonde:
she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
Road Trip
Four guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, one from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Nebraska turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they're laying around on the ground-I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"
The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
11th Commandment
During a recent staff meeting in heaven God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of President Clinton had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brainstorming session to try to settle on the wording of the new
commandment, because they realized that it should have the same majesty and dignity as the other ten. After many revisions they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment
should be:
#11......"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
Brunette in the Doctor’s office
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor, "show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, she pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde." She says "Yes, doctor." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Elevator Talk
Joe goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this enormous man standing next to him. The big guy notices this little guy staring up at him, so he looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." Joe immediately faints and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Joe looks up and says, "Excuse me sir, but what did you just say to me?" The guy explains, "When I saw you staring up at me, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..."I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Joe says, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around."
"The Rules for Bedroom Golf"
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play --normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at a course.
8. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
10. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
11. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who are the best players.
Greatest sports quotes ever...
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.." (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class". (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them......Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator - Sandi)
The Taliban vs. USA
Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new antiterrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" He calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What
Afghanistan??"
Golf Guys
Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to just wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and we'll meet here early, Christmas morning!" Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a huge diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, " I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game! I simply slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, is it sex or golf?" She said, "Take a sweater."
Ice Fishing Blonde
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed,
"There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the
right place, chair positioned just so, everything.
Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
Who Has the Smartest Cat?
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He
called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said,"What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
26 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE ALREADY GROWN UP
a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding dongs.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you
Words Women Use
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade.
NOTHING
If you ask her what is wrong and she says “Nothing”, this means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in
about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you arean idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say “you’re welcome.”
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”
Mars & Venus:
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She's delighted. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw 2005.
MEN
Real men answer "C" to all of these questions. Women can gain an understanding of men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the correct "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship,they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing a infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Take it to the President of the United States.
B. Take it to the Secretary-General of the UN.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat
B. A dog
C. A dog that eats cats
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon, the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game, she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married, only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning, your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a pair of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy
B. Religion
C. Remote control
Bank Teller
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that The teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank." "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Makes you think!
Why we strive to succeed:
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Mexican. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
asked the American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life." The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard
and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American. "And after that?" "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a
few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking, playing the guitar and enjoying your friends."
Big Ass Grill
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little weenie?"
He Said, She Said
1. He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
2. She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
3. He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.
4. He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'
5. On the wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not!"
6. He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
7. Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'
8. He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
9. He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
10. He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
Rodeo Position
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's." Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.
Jim walks into a bar and sees his friend Dave slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Dave what's wrong. "Well," replies Dave, "You know that beautiful girl at work that wanted to ask out, but I always got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jim with a laugh. "Well," says Dave, straightening up, "I finally got up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jim, "When are you going out?" "I actually went to meet her this evening," continues Dave, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show. "Sensible" says Jim. "So I get to her door," says Dave, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" asks Jim. (Dave slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."
Kurt Vonnegut's commencement address at MIT
Ladies and gentlemen:
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4:00 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters.
Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40,
maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines.
They will only make you feel ugly.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the
older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund.
Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
...But trust me on the sunscreen
Donkey Raffle
It seems there was this city boy, Kenny, who moved to the country and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, however, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't. I went and spent it already." Kenny said,"OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny replied, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00." The farmer was shocked, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
Sturgeon Hunting
On a tour of Wisconsin, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the East coast near Green Bay on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shorelines and crashing surf off Lake Michigan when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Bears football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twelve foot sturgeon.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Packer football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Bears fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the sturgeon to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said I give you my blessing for your brave actions.
I had heard that there were some bitter hatred between the people of Wisconsin and Illinois, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothin bout Sturgeon hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Stranded Lawyers
Two lawyers, Carl and Steve, decided to take their vacation together and went on a small, private plane to visit Paris for a time. There was a terrible storm, and the plane went down into the Atlantic ocean. Fortunately, the two lawyers survived the crash, but had to swim to a nearby island that only had a few banana trees and a few coconut trees, and they were stranded for several months with only bananas and coconuts to live on. Each day, they would climb up the tallest tree to see if there was a ship out there to rescue them. One day, Carl called to Steve from the tree, "I see a rubber raft! And it's headed this way!" Steve called up, "Is there anyone in it?" "No...oh...wait! YES! It's a beautiful blonde woman! And she's naked!" The rubber raft finally reached the tiny island, and the woman was alive, but unconscious. They pulled her up onto the beach, and Carl said, "It's been a real long time... do you think we could...you know...screw her?" Steve exclaimed, "Out of what? That measly rubber raft?!"
Elderly Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his friend, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?
His friends replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "A Poppy?"
"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know...the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we ate at last night?"
Amish Boy and Dad
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above
the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Why dogs are Better than Women
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman- Marcus.
29. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
30. Dogs like to lick themselves everywhere and they don't mind if you watch!
Indian Woman
A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Native American woman hitchhiking. The trip has been long and quiet and it's very hot, so she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat.
" What's in the bag?" she asks.
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband," says the saleswoman.
The Indian woman is silent for a while, nods several times, and then says....
"Good trade."
CATHOLIC PARROTS:
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.
Men's "Seven Secrets to a Great Relationship"
1. It is important to have a woman that will cook and clean the house.
2. When you are sick, it is important to have a woman who will nurse you back to health.
3. To enjoy the good life, it is important to have a woman who is well educated and has a great paying job.
4. To relieve stress, it is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.
5. For piece of mind, it is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie to you.
6. To relieve stress, it is important to find a young good looking woman, with a great body,
who's good in bed and loves to have sex with you.
7. To prevent stress or possible bodily injury, it is important that these six women never meet.
THE INTERPRETATION OF FINE ART
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners...the only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Inheritance
An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles:10 dirt bikes, 10 Hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy said that he simply had wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the Minnesota Vikings.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need... = I want...
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
Fine = You do and you're an ass!
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I am hungry
I'm sleepy = I am sleepy
I'm tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Can we have sex now?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex
with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you
within the next 3 mins
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and then...I'd like to have sex with you
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
Wedding Anniversary
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "Well, for our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."
Jesse Jackson & Sears
Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears store. He looked
around then shouted, "I want to see the manager right now!" The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?" Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?" The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines
and said: "Reverend Jackson, yes, all of our washers are white but if you
look inside, you'll find that all of the agitators are black."
Halloween Party
A couple were invited to a swanky, masked, fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there! His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks, he finally motioned a little proposition to her and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with furious sarcasm. To which her husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
Dear Abby
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or do I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to
get a condom?
Wife’s Test
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly,it is either bad or terrible!" "What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith. "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! said Mr. Smith. Can we do the test over?" "Normally, yes. But you have Saskatchewan Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith. "Saskatchewan Health Care recommends that you drop
your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
A priest and a rabbi were on a plane...
A priest and a rabbi were traveling on a plane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork." The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading. After a while the rabbi asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your
faith that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly for an moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
Words of Wisdom
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going on.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you're two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Why do men like dogs so much?
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24- hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them way.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in The Bay or Birk's.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
Chauvinist Questionaire
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really ARE a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a
little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
Subject: Parking ticket... and proper attitude
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for the car having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket, put it on the windshield with the first, and then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote!
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important! Make it a good day, guys: don't forget to have a little fun.
Italian Man
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!"
"Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.
........No one moves.
........He removes his shirt.
........Muscles ripple across his chest.
........She gasps...
........He whispers:
Iron this, and get me something to eat...."
Sad State of Affairs
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the nearest welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket, and took out $20...He kept $15 for administrative fees, and he gave $5 to the homeless person.
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which
you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife,
and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year
old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read:
"Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the
Plaza Hotel with our 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant
mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes
into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Finalists in lousy metaphor contest
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
3. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature prime English beef.
4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
6. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
7. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
9. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
13. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
14. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
15. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
16. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
17. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
18. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
19. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
20. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
What my mother taught me.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"What do you think, your underwear cleans itself and puts itself back in the drawer?"
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
" Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; I know you will be cold."
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
" Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile
deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well
developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed
and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war-
haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is
now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps
people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a
glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a
dick.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 55 success is . . . having money.
At age 65 success is . . . having sex.
At age 75 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 85 success is . . . having friends.
At age 90 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Squirrels
A small town had three churches Presbyterian, Methodist, and Baptist.
All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church.
Each church in its own fashion had a meeting
to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that
squirrels be in the church and that they would just
have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the
squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley.
They humanely trapped them and released them
in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were
all back in the church.
The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the
squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at
Christmas and Easter.
Farmer Story
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Subject: Thinnest books in the world:
14. FRENCH WAR STRATEGIES by Jacques Chirac
13. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
12. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
11. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
10. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
9. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
8. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
7. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
5. A GENTLEMAN'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
And, the world's Number One Thinnest Book is...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton, with an introduction by the
Reverend Jessie Jackson
Alabama Birth Control
After having their 11th child, an Alabama
couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian
and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said
the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
(fireworks are legal in Alabama)
"light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor,
"I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a
cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry
bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed
the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee,
Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi,
and West Virginia
Advertising
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.
A dragon's tale
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.....
MORAL OF THE STORY.......
Pay your bills!!
BEARS IN THE WOODS!
In light of the rising frequency of human conflicts with bears in the
field, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and be observant.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on theirc lothing, so
as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a
bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly
bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots ofb erries and
squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like
pepper spray.
Contest
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM tomorrow morning."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 8:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife had ignored his note, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Generic Drug Names
All drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is
naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA
has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
that it has settled on Mydixadud. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin,
Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mycoxafailin, and Alimpdixafixit. And,
of course, Ibepokin
Subject: War between Ireland and France
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office
wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United
States when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at
the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me
cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from
the pub.
That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on.
We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two
combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on!"
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and
decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed 200,000 prisoners!!
Auction
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse
me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what
was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out
for a jar of olives!"
The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk
into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of
the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim
to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must
be quite ill."
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's
provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into Guinness!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled
by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances. Michael
looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now
we're going to have to pee in the boat!
Famous Quotes:
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
--Author Unknown
3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey
4) Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
--Rod Stewart
5) The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it....at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
--Jeff Foxworthy
6) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown (presumed deceased)
7) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry
8) It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married
--George Burns
9) Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger
10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
--Paula Poundstone
11) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
12) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
13) I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
--Richard Jeni
14) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
--Johnny Carson
15) Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez
16) My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
--Jerry Seinfeld
17) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
--Warren Hutcherson
18) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde
19) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain
20) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!
--A Whitney Brown
21) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
--Robin Williams
22) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
--Roseanne
23) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal
24) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
--Dave Barry
Something to Offend Everyone
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A northern zoo has a description of the animal on the cage... A southern zoo has a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"
And so on and so on and so on, until the Greek Says:
"We mastered sex !"
The Italian says
"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS
OVER WOMEN
#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.
#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE
ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.
#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM
SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP
ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN
OUT OF AMMO.
#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE
MONTH.
#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE
ME LOOK FAT?"
#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP
AFTER YOU USE IT.
and, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a
woman :
#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN .
Hookers and Kid’s Questions
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all
the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mom," said the little boy, "what
are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They 're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies
those women have?"
"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position..
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with . Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
Gay Bob
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see
it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word
you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, &disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Cajun Alligator
Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished
patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth
for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open
mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the
man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of
its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed
as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were
delivered.
The Cajun stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman
timidly spoke up..........
"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle.
The Fishing Trip
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to
go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll
be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes
for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the
office so I will swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and
please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit 'fishy,' but being the good wife
that she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise,
looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluebell and a few Swordfish. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"
You'll love the answer ..
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The wife replied, "I did; they're in your tackle box."
The Price of Money
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
The Breast Stroke Competition
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the
breast
stroke. Just three women entered the final leg of the competition: A
brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore
and
was
declared the fastest breaststroker. She got a gold medal.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was
declared
to be the second place finisher. She received the silver.
Nearly 8 hours after that the blonde finally came ashore and promptly
collapsed in front of the worried judges and spectators.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to finish the race,
she
replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think
those
other two girls were using their arms."
Gator
Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished
patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth
for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open
mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the
man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of
its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed
as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were
delivered.
The Cajun stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman
timidly spoke up..........
"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle.
Executive Quandry
An executive was in quandary.
He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally
qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water
cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the
executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
Osama arrives at the pearly gates
When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled,
"It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe
and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept
and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
Men’s Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the
guys' side of the story.
We always hear "The Rules" from the female point of view...
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.
We need it up, you need it down You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.0
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
"The Truly Useful Golf Book"
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - Crying and How to Handle it
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Detroit Lions Win the Super Bowl
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.
The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan
Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from
50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing
car going 80 miles per hour.
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great
game of football ........ and sure enough the Lions go on to win the
Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his
mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You
deserted us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you
for making us move to Detroit!"
Living Will
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to
her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state
dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Boobies and Willys
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In
her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties
to forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so, the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three
phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it
is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are for decoration only."
Hollywood Squares One-Liners
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, ut it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
The Evening News
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a
sports bar around 10 PM. He
sat down next to this blonde at the bar
and stared up at the TV. The news was on.
The news crew was
covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to
jump.? The blonde looked at
Homer and said, "Do you think he'll
jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll
jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I
bet he won't."? Homer placed $20 on the
bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on
the bar, the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his
death. The blonde was very
upset and handed her $20 to Homer,
saying, "Fair's fair.? Here's your
money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money,
I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news
and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't
think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
African Golf
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and
wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the
nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked
the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit.
"Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since
I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy.
"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his
handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle;
again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the
left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his
ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when
he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree
above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his
hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're
lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.
"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the
businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his
ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion
fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The
businessman's ball came to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to
stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large
crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he
fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the
rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't
get a shot here."
Dumb Blond Joke
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb
blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that
you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in
karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah.
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART I
1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
(Juan-on-Juan)
2. What is a Yankee?
(The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone)
3. Why is divorce so expensive?
(Because it's worth it)
4. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
(One US leader)
5. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
(Doughnuts)
6. Why is air a lot like sex?
(Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any)
7. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
(Because Janet Reno is her real father)
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
1. What do you call a smart blonde?
(A golden retriever)
2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
(Their personalities)
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
(45 lbs)
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
(45 minutes)
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(None, they just sit there in the dark and complain)
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
(Through his chest with a sharp knife)
7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
(They can't stand criticism)
8. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? (After a
year, the dog is still excited to see you)
9. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? (The same
urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving)
10. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
(Because they have cotton balls)
11. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
(A porcupine has the pricks on the outside)
12. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? ("Are you
sure it's mine?")
13. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
(Mace will do that to you)
14. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
(Everyone has the same DNA)
15. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
(Breasts don't have eyes)
16. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
(He walks around saying "Yo.")
17. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? (Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the
Sex Ed class uses it)
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART III
1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
("Row, Row, Row Your Boat")
2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
(A different bar)
3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? (They
named him "Sum Ting Wong")
4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? (A speech impediment)
5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast? (They're hiring)
6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? (A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along
with... "A recipe")
7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
(Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!)
8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale? (A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...")
9. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
(No one's tall enough to go on the good rides)
Single??
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation! , but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
Golf
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty
years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can
forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone.
What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."
They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing
when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so
conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also.
Forty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit!
He slammed the driver into the ground; kicked the ball into the
woods; stormed off the tee; pushed the golf cart over on its side;
broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable
deceiver! How could you?! I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years.....you've been beating me from the ladies' tees!!"
Some things are sacred
The Skin Graft
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Great Man, Sorry Woman
A married couple went to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well
he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital:
A woman called a local hospital . . . .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . . "
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."
Greeks vs. Italians
A Greek and an Italian were discussing which had the superior culture.
The Greek commented, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian responded, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek boasted, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian replied, "We had the Roman Empire "
The friendly debate continued in this vein until finally, the Greek proclaimed, "We invented sex!"
The Italian smiled and said, "Ahhhh, but the Italians introduced it to women."
Another Blond Joke
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and
she's in dire financial straits
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You PLEASE let me
win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde
is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
San Diego Zoo
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World......
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia!
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"! Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relation ship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." !
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long si! nce I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
THE FIGHT
A Very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on the
porch
one night, when suddenly the old woman reaches over and smacks her
husband,
knocking him off the porch and into the bushes. He crawls back up and
asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "for having a little Pecker".
He sits there quietly for a moment, then smacks her, sending here off
the
other side of the porch and into the bushes. She crawls back and says,
"What was that for?"
He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."
Men vs. Women
MessageSHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_________________________________________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
Hell
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays
that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
Tab
and fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some
more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because
you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the
finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you
get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.
Guy: Cool!
Satan: What about Drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a
submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough
Subject: Fast Eddie
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give
you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He
won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfrien d's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks
what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all
quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
The Beaver
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a
22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never
misses a season.
One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella Instead of his gun
by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and
went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
Irish Labido
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
seek his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Soluble Viagra.
Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me
in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
'Twas horrid. Just terrible doctor!."
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?"
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye, and with his pants a-bulgin' fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flyin', ripped
me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad,
passionate love to me on the table-top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an
absolute feckin' nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've
had in 50 years of marriage! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll niver be
able to show me face in Starbucks again."
Man Laws
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an
umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
Circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her
Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party
may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you
must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the
temperature is
unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday
present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's
birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate
at a strip
bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines
pit stops, not
the weakest.
9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink
only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's
delivered by a
t*pless model and only when it's free.
10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril
are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
WOMEN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Anniversaries
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in
the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out
to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and
found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday.
Man's Remote
Wouldn't Life Be Perfect?
Terror School
.jpg)
Don't Mess with Me!
Don't Drink!
Oops
Iraq Navy
Under Cover!
